


Bring You Back to Me

by isyotm



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Caretaking, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-12
Updated: 2015-03-12
Packaged: 2018-03-17 11:26:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3527567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isyotm/pseuds/isyotm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>“Don’t leave me behind,” he begged, reaching out to touch her one last time before the world ended.</i><br/>But she did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bring You Back to Me

**Author's Note:**

> From [this](http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/8618.html?thread=41733546#t41733546) Mass Effect Kink Meme prompt. Title from "Walk Through Hell" by Say Anything.

_“Don’t leave me behind,” he begged, reaching out to touch her one last time before the world ended._

But she did.

* * *

 

The _Normandy_ crash lands on a world Kaidan’s never seen before, vibrant and verdant in a way he supposes Earth once was. As he steps, squinting, into the sunlight, all he can think is _I wish Shepard could see this._

* * *

 

He doesn’t know who gives up first—who stops believing that she’s still alive, who stops hoping to hear her comm crackle to life, followed by a laugh or a word or even just the sound of breathing—but he knows that he and Joker keep holding on long after everyone else has. At some point, it becomes a competition, a morbid game of chicken. Who will flinch first? And when?

He doesn’t know the answer to the second question, but he does know the answer to the first.

He gave up on her once. He won’t make the same mistake again.

* * *

 

It takes them a while to get back to Earth without EDI’s help. Specialist Traynor is a genius, but she’s no AI, not to mention that FTL vectors are hard enough to calculate on the best of days, never mind when you’re overwhelmed with grief.

Kaidan spends the next three months doing his very best not to look too closely at Joker. He doesn’t want to see the hollowness in his friend’s eyes; he doesn’t want to hear the sadness that never quite leaves his voice.

No one ever talked about it, not really, but now it’s there at every turn. Joker cared for EDI, loved her, and in one moment he lost two of the most important people in his world.

* * *

 

It’d be so easy, he thinks, so easy to just give up. To slowly drift away from his friends, his crewmembers, his pain, until there was nothing left of him. He forgets to leave his room for a few days in a row, leaves food untouched, doesn’t speak to anyone.

And then he dreams.

_“You made me a promise, Kaidan.”_

Shepard. Beautiful. Alive. His.

He reaches for her, but she stands just too far away, her eyes sad, knowing, and disappointed.

_“You said you were going to fight like hell, don’t you remember?”_

_You said you wouldn’t leave me behind._

She leans close enough that he can smell her and she whispers, _“You promised.”_

He wakes up in the middle of the night, holding onto a pillow so tightly his arms have cramped and crying.

When the sun rises, he washes his face, eats, and leaves his room. No one comments, but they all have knowing looks on their faces.

* * *

 

They land in the shattered remains of London, the mood so different from three months ago it feels like a completely different place. Everywhere there are _people_ and while they aren’t smiling, they’re filled with hope so bright that it seems to glow, blinding him. He’d forgotten what hope looked like. When did that happen?

Admiral Hackett meets them, a strange look on his face, like he’s not sure how exactly he’s supposed to respond to their arrival. Kaidan figures the best thing to do is stick to protocol and salutes, like the entirety of galactic civilization wasn’t almost wiped out by sentient spaceships a few months ago. Hackett returns it and says, “Major Alenko, it’s good to see you.”

“You too, Admiral. How are things here?”

“We’ve been working on rebuilding. It’s been slow going but everyone’s really pulled together.”

He looks out at the people working together and it reminds him of movies his parents liked, made before First Contact when people worked together to rebuild a destroyed community. Except now, instead of just human faces, there are krogan, asari, turian, and quarian mixed in as well.

_I wish Shepard could see this._

“That’s good to hear. Any trouble with looters?”

“There’s always some. We’ve posted guards at various caches to discourage people from taking more than their fair share.”

Kaidan nods; that’s to be expected. There’s always someone trying to cheat the system, trying to get more for less. “Anything I can help with?”

Hackett gives him a strange look. “In a minute. I have something you’re going to want to see.”

* * *

 

His world stops, starts, and stops again.

“Shepard,” he breathes, the word coming out with barely any sound behind it.

His legs feel weak underneath him and he can’t help it; he collapses, barely breathing. Tears leak out of the corners of his eyes and he makes no move to brush them away until they begin to blur his vision. He needs to _see_ her.

“You’re…you’re alive.”

He waits for her respond, to say something, to call his name, _anything_ , but she just sits there, head focused on the cracked cement underneath her chair.

A chair. She’s sitting down in a chair.

Why is she sitting?

As long as he’s known her, she’s been _Commander Shepard_ , getting done what needs to be done, even if she has to do it all by herself. She doesn’t sit when she can stand, doesn’t stand when she can walk, doesn’t walk when she can run, so why is she sitting now when there’s so much work to do?

“What…?”

Hackett clears his throat, that same strange look on his face again. Kaidan realizes it’s meant to be a stilted attempt at sympathy. “We—”

“Admiral? Is that you?” she asks, her voice raspier than he remembers.

Shepard looks up for the first time and he sees the scarring all over her face; barely-healed burns over sharp white lines that appear and disappear as she tilts her head, narrowing her eyes at them.

Her eyes.

One of them is milky white while the other is simply…gone, like someone plucked it out of her skull. The socket is empty and he can see blood vessels pumping underneath the thin skin.

But she’s _here_.

Shepard. Beautiful. Alive. His.

He wants to say something but his throat won’t work, wants to reach out for her but his arms won’t respond, and finally Hackett is the one who to tell her, “Yes, Commander, it’s me. Major Alenko is here as well.”

And then, still on his knees, still overwhelmed by the fact that he gets to keep his promise, he has to listen to her say, voice almost a snarl, “I don’t want him here. Tell him to get out.”

* * *

 

Someone else has to explain to him the extent of the damage firing of the Crucible wreaked on Shepard’s body. She’s paralyzed from the neck down and every inch of her body is covered in scars ranging from bad to worse and the worst of which are still in the middle of healing. Her vocal chords were almost destroyed by all the smoke and fire, so she can only speak in short bursts. She can only hear out of her left ear, and anything below 70 decibels is practically inaudible. She’s also blind in both eyes, at best only able to make out vague shapes in direct sunlight.

The sergeant reads Shepard’s list of injuries off of her omni-tool as if it’s no big deal while Kaidan can only stare at her in amazement. He wants to grab her and shake her, yell at her to have more of a response because doesn’t she know _who that is_? Commander Shepard, hero of the Citadel, savior of the galaxy—

The only woman who has ever possessed his heart so completely.

And she won’t even let him near her.

“As Admiral Hackett might’ve told you, we found her body about two months ago while we were clearing out the remains of the Citadel a mile and a half north of here. Unfortunately, as you might’ve guessed, she’s not really able to do a lot of things on her own, so we’ve been rotating caretaker duty among the—”

“I’ll do it,” he says immediately.

“What?” she asks, startled.

“I’ll do it. I’ll take care of her. Whatever she needs.”

From the look on the sergeant’s face, his voice must be inappropriately fervent and emotional, but he can’t bring himself to care.

_I said I would fight like hell for the chance to hold you again._

“Uh, yes, sir, of course, let me just—” She taps out a message on her omni-tool, most likely letting higher ups know that the task of caring for Shepard will be transferred to this bizarre major.

“Sir, Admiral Hackett wants to know if you’re sure. His words.”

“Yes.”

“Very well.” She presses a few more buttons on her omni-tool and says, “I’ve send her daily schedule to your omni-tool.”

He nods a dismissal and she salutes him before leaving.

* * *

 

Shepard refuses to speak to him.

She’ll speak to anyone else who comes to visit her—Joker, Garrus, Tali, Wrex, anyone who’s ever been a member of the _Normandy_ , who’s ever put their life on the line for the invincible Commander Shepard—even jokes with them, but she won’t speak to him. He tells himself he’s just grateful to be near her, but doubt gnaws away at him.

Was it something he did? What changed?

She’d said she loved him. Did she regret it? Had she only said it because she thought that’s what he wanted to hear? Had she meant it? Did she still mean it?

He feeds her, cleans her, and tries not to think about what they used to be to each other.

* * *

 

It’s late at night six weeks later when she finally says, “Why are you still here?”

At first he thinks he’s imagining it. He’s had a few dreams where he’s heard her talking to him and he’s exhausted at the moment.

“What?” When she doesn’t respond, he realizes he’s speaking into her bad ear and repositions himself to repeat the question.

“I asked why you’re still here.”

“What are you talking about?”

She looks away, but he can see the way her face contorts in anger. “Look at me.”

“I am.” He hasn’t been looking at anyone or anything else for six weeks.

“What are you getting out of this?”

“Shepard, you’re not making any sense.”

_“Why are you still here?”_ she asks in the same steely voice he’s heard her use on recalcitrant criminals and irritating reporters and unscrupulous cops but never on a friend. Never on him. “I’m _nothing_ ,” she says bitterly. “I can’t fight, I can’t feed myself, I can’t even shit by myself, but you’re still here.”

“Why are you shutting me out?”

“I’m not,” she says, but he knows her tells. He knows she’s lying and she knows that he knows.

“You know this is the first time you’ve talked to me since...?” _Since you saved the entire galaxy. Since I had to watch you walk away, not knowing if you’d ever come back._

“I know,” she says, quietly and he’s not sure he was meant to hear.

“What is it, Shepard? What did I do? Do you not…” The idea breaks his heart, but he forces the words out. “Do you not feel that way about me anymore? If that’s it, just tell me. I can take it.”

“No!” She turns to him so quickly the momentum causes her to tilt precariously in her chair. He’s at her side, holding her arms to prevent her from falling out, before he even realizes what he’s doing.

This is the closest he’s been to her in ages and his heart starts to beat just the tiniest bit faster. It almost drowns out her next words.

“I can’t—I can’t be— I’m not who I was.”

And he thinks he gets it. “You mean you’re not going to be spending your free time getting yourself killed to save the galaxy?”

Her mouth twists in a bitter smile. “Yeah. Exactly.”

He slowly slides his hand up her shoulder, watching her face for any sign of discomfort as he places it gently against the side of her neck, for any indication that his touch is unwelcome. He doesn’t see one. “Did you think that was the only reason I cared about you?”

Her silence is answer enough.

“Shepard,” he says, making sure his voice is loud enough for her to hear and hoping it sounds less shaky to her than it does to him. “When I lost you the first time, I… Everyone says they drifted apart on their own, but I never lifted a finger to stop them. I fell apart after you were gone. When you saw me on Horizon, I had just started putting myself back together again.” He slides his hand to cup her jaw and tilt her head up to him. Her skin looks like it melted and then cooled, one eyelid hangs loosely over where her eyeball is supposed to be while the other eye stares blankly up at him, but just the miracle of _this_ , the miracle of being able to hold her again is more than enough. “There is nothing you could do that could change how I feel about you.”

“Except join Cerberus.”

He laughs. “I deserved that one.”

She gifts him a smile, a real one like the ones she would give before the end of the world, and leans forward, pressing her forehead against his. “Thank you,” she says.

He wants to kiss her so badly and says so. “Is that okay?” he asks in lieu of the body language cues he’d usually rely on.

“Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> Shepard is a class B (incomplete) quadriplegic which means that she can feel but not move below her neck.


End file.
